Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Vulnerability

Holy f__k!
Not the actual hands...

The vulnerability of being a parent hits me like a ton of bricks occasionally, coming in waves of nearly paralyzing emotional overload out of the blue.

The triggers are many and varied.

Today, it happened to be dropping our oldest (first grade) off at school. He missed the bus due to unforeseen bathroom delays...such is life...so we packaged him and the younger brother (3.75, as he'll tell you) in the car and headed to elementary for the first stop, followed by daycare.

No sooner were we in the building, signing in at the office, and walking towards the classroom did it start.

I looked back and noticed that the boys were holding hands. I'm not sure who initiated it, and why (it didn't matter), but that simple act of tenderness and love smacked me right in the emotional gut...tears welled up immediately. Really? WTAF. What am I feeling here?

Could it be connected to the mere fact that we have these two beautiful children? Our process for procreation was not "off the shelf", adding about 5 years to the family journey. So, the fact that we ended up with these amazing little people in our world is somewhat of an extra blessing.

What about the cultural violence manifesting itself in our schools? Perhaps I'm reminded just how powerless we are shepherding our children in the world when I walk into a school. Sure, we can seek to lock down every damn minute of their lives, but what kind of life is that, and, what does it say about us, or more specifically, our failures?

You know, in the end, the why doesn't matter that much, the vulnerability won't go away.

It's about letting it be there, being OK with it, and moving forward doing the best we can.

For one thing, it's reminding me to be present.

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